dEhiN’s Blog

I’m not sure what to write yet…I think at times I just like typing – it’s very soothing for me. I think I know what I’ll write on – the book study I was a part of today. But first, that initial sentence might seem a strange way to start a post, and you might be wondering why I did not just delete that sentence once I knew what to write on? I think the answer to that is partially related to who I am and what this blog is to/for me.

For those who know me, I am someone who hides aspects of myself, and will open those areas up only when I feel completely comfortable. I suppose we are all like that to some degree or another. For myself, mostly because I have felt burned in the past when sharing and expressing certain areas of who I am and my personality, I tend to express those areas only when I am by myself or around individuals/small groups I feel safe in. You could say I have been operating under the “once bitten, twice shy” principle in these areas.

When I started this blog, I wanted to use it to express myself. I quickly came to a point where I was filtering in my mind what I would post on, and that filter was set to only allow subjects that did not ‘expose’ those aspects of myself I wanted to hide. I believe I mentioned something to this affect in a previous post, but I have consciously decided that I don’t want to intentionally filter out those aspects of myself, both in my posts and (more and more as I’m able to by God’s grace) in life interaction.

This is my lengthy way of saying that the initial sentence is tied to one of those aspects. In particular, it is one of the ways I walk with God. I will talk out and express what I am feeling or thinking as part of the decision-making process. For example, if God tells me to go to a location, and I do, I will usually say out loud, “Ok Lord, what now?”. Or if I am in the middle of an activity and I get hungry, I might say out loud, “I’m starting to feel hungry; should I go eat something?”, and deliberate from that question. The point is that I, for some reason, feel more comfortable to deliberate out loud even if it means saying out loud all the thoughts and feelings going through me, akin to a running commentary.

So I don’t have time now to post on the book study – have my church’s worship team practice. I will try and write about the study later tonight or tomorrow.

DH