dEhiN's Blog

Victory! May 30, 2009

I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I wanted to share what happened tonight and the past couple of days. For those of you who don’t know, one of the struggles I have is with SI – self-injury. To put it bluntly, I cut myself. I had two incidents last year, and three so far this year. I alluded to the first one in a previous post. I had two incidents over the past two days – one Thursday (May 28) night, and the other Friday (May 29) evening. In total I cut myself 26 times on each forearm.

I’m confessing all of this to say the following: God is SO loving and amazing! I shared what I did with three close friends, brothers and sister in Christ – Gabe, Mish, and Bryant. Later in the evening, God set up a meeting with Bryant, Gabe, my pastor, and myself. And through the meeting God spoke to me, showing me what I’ve been doing to myself, what I’ve been allowing to go in my life, and what needs to happen going forward for healing. There was a lot of prayer: my brothers prayed over me, and I prayed to the Father. It’s so precious to me how we can come to God as we are!

Through the prayers and counseling, it came to light that what has been going on in my life has been a spiritual battle. I say it came to light because although I’ve known that I’m in a spiritual battle, I didn’t put two and two together in regard to the depression and the negative thoughts. It didn’t connect in my mind that I’ve been tormented by a demonic spirit trying to keep me focused on the past and the negativity of disapproval. I needed to stop seeing God through the lens of my parents and who they are and how they interact with me, and see God for who He really is.

With the help of my brothers in Christ, I repented, rebuked the tormenting spirit(s), and humbled myself before God again. I have to say: it feels so relieving to humble myself before God. The weight just lifts right off my shoulders, knowing that God is in control again .

God, through Bryant, spoke after the prayers about my spirit-man, or inner man, and how I need to feed him and make him strong again. I know it’s not going to be easy though. In fact, sitting here in front of my computer, just before I wrote this post, I was tempted to cut again! Thankfully God spoke to Gabe and Bryant and got them to take the knives I was using away. Anyway, I’m going to end here. If you’re reading this and you pray, please pray for me.

On a side note, I’m moving again; I’m moving in with my sister to a 2-bedroom apartment. I might be without internet access for a few days, so if you leave any comments I won’t get them until I have access again.

DH