Victory! May 30, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in About Me, Daily Life-Walk, God.Tags: close friends, God's love, moving, SI
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I know it’s been a while since I posted, but I wanted to share what happened tonight and the past couple of days. For those of you who don’t know, one of the struggles I have is with SI – self-injury. To put it bluntly, I cut myself. I had two incidents last year, and three so far this year. I alluded to the first one in a previous post. I had two incidents over the past two days – one Thursday (May 28) night, and the other Friday (May 29) evening. In total I cut myself 26 times on each forearm.
I’m confessing all of this to say the following: God is SO loving and amazing! I shared what I did with three close friends, brothers and sister in Christ – Gabe, Mish, and Bryant. Later in the evening, God set up a meeting with Bryant, Gabe, my pastor, and myself. And through the meeting God spoke to me, showing me what I’ve been doing to myself, what I’ve been allowing to go in my life, and what needs to happen going forward for healing. There was a lot of prayer: my brothers prayed over me, and I prayed to the Father. It’s so precious to me how we can come to God as we are!
Through the prayers and counseling, it came to light that what has been going on in my life has been a spiritual battle. I say it came to light because although I’ve known that I’m in a spiritual battle, I didn’t put two and two together in regard to the depression and the negative thoughts. It didn’t connect in my mind that I’ve been tormented by a demonic spirit trying to keep me focused on the past and the negativity of disapproval. I needed to stop seeing God through the lens of my parents and who they are and how they interact with me, and see God for who He really is.
With the help of my brothers in Christ, I repented, rebuked the tormenting spirit(s), and humbled myself before God again. I have to say: it feels so relieving to humble myself before God. The weight just lifts right off my shoulders, knowing that God is in control again 
.
God, through Bryant, spoke after the prayers about my spirit-man, or inner man, and how I need to feed him and make him strong again. I know it’s not going to be easy though. In fact, sitting here in front of my computer, just before I wrote this post, I was tempted to cut again! Thankfully God spoke to Gabe and Bryant and got them to take the knives I was using away. Anyway, I’m going to end here. If you’re reading this and you pray, please pray for me.
On a side note, I’m moving again; I’m moving in with my sister to a 2-bedroom apartment. I might be without internet access for a few days, so if you leave any comments I won’t get them until I have access again.
DH
Random Thoughts April 18, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in Random Thoughts.add a comment
As anyone who knows me offline or has read my previous posts already knows, I tend to contextualize almost everything. I suppose there are moments when the poignancy sought after lies in there being no contextualization taking place, but just the randomness of the moment. Personally, I just find it really, really hard to let a moment be that: random. Anyway, with all of that preamble, I’m going to start a series of posts called “Random Thoughts”. It’ll be my attempt at laying out a random, yet possibly poignant or philosophical, thought that I’m mulling over. I’ll also try to just state the thought, and at the most, add a little bit of post-amble. But please feel free to respond to the thought/post-amble in the comments. So here’s today’s thought:
What do you do with a heavy heart? With a heart that feels like it’s carrying the weight of the world – your life and all its problems, as well as everyone else’s life and all their problems?
DH
Jazz piano vids on Youtube April 5, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in Music.Tags: Chick Corea, George Gershwin, Hiromi Uehara, jazz piano, Porgy and Bess, Spain, Summertime, Youtube video
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Check out these two great jazz piano videos on Youtube:
Chick Corea & Hiromi Uehara playing “Summertime” (by Gershwin) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2m4Oy9TWmo
Chick Corea & Hiromi Uehara playing “Spain” (by Chick Corea) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRU1o-sCnqY
Alright, if you’re scratching your head wondering who these two artists are and what the songs are, let me explain.
Chick Corea is a truly gifted musician who plays jazz. He is really great at improvisation, and to listen or watch him play is an experience you don’t want to miss. He effortlessly flies over the piano like it’s nothing! You know how many of us have areas, especially in the creative arts, where we wish what we thought of in our heads could be instantaneously transferred to whatever medium we’re using for expression? Well, Chick Corea is at that place when it comes to the piano.
Hiromi Uehara I had never actually heard of until I saw the above two videos, but as far as I can tell, she’s just like Chick Corea when it comes to jazz piano. Watching the two of them is like watching a passionate conversation take place using only the piano and non-verbal body language.
Alright, lastly the two songs are jazz pieces; the first is a famous one by George Gershwin as part of his Porgy and Bess opera. The second is an original composition by Chick Corea.
DH
Dear God April 5, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in About Me, Daily Life-Walk, Faith, God.Tags: Faith, God, life, struggles, Superchic[k]
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I’m going to take a page out of love, devi and style this post as a letter to God:
Dear God,
Tonight was pretty difficult; I’m sitting here at this moment listening to “Courage” by Superchic[k] and I have two questions to ask you. First, for those dealing with hurting and pain and difficulty, what difference does believing in you make? You and I both know that both questions arose in me earlier tonight while traveling home on the TTC. We also chatted about them at that time – well, more like I voiced them to you and then focused on the music coming out of my mp3 player. But I’m recounting them now both for the sake of anyone reading this, and because writing it this way is part of the healing (answering) process.
So back to the first question; if you recall I thought of the Footprints poem, and the line about how when there was one set of footprints, it was you carrying the dreamer. But I realized that both non-Christians and Christians get through hard times. (For those reading, I use those two terms in the traditional sense of the words). For example, a non-Christian, when confronted with losing a loved one, will experience the pain and loss. They will shed tears, go through the whole grieving process, and move on. Eventually the pain from the loss will completely cease, or at least subside to almost ‘background noise’. How is that any different from a Christian who turns to you during the grieving process for help? Alright, I admit that perhaps they will have a shorter grieving period, and there is also the prospect of hope that they will see the loved one in Heaven (should the loved one have been a Christian as well). But, in my eyes, there is no major ‘advantage’ to turning to you during the grieving process.
Or let’s look at another example: someone who is struggling with a difficult time, such as breaking an addiction. There is a lot of pain and hurt and hardship associated with an addiction – whether you’re the addicted one or someone you love is the addicted one – and breaking an addiction. My “church” upbringing tells me the ‘right’ answer to this scenario: my trusting you gives me your strength and invites you into the situation. But many who don’t trust you, who perhaps are not Christians, break addictions. Many who don’t trust you have their families healed and restored back from the damaging effects of an addiction.
Don’t get me wrong God, I’m not saying I don’t trust you or that I don’t want to trust you. Until recently, I struggled with the whole “If God is loving, why does He let us go through difficult times, etc” issue. I finally fully understand why your letting us go through hard times IS an act of love – I understand and believe. Of course it’s only because you broke through and made the intellectual understanding become heart understanding. My current struggle is, therefore, not why are people going through hard times. Rather, it’s whether trusting in you during our struggles makes any major difference? Honestly, I can’t see any major difference on the surface between someone who trusts in you and someone who doesn’t while they are going through a rough patch. Eventually both the person who trusts in you, and the one who doesn’t, gets through the rough patch and does so seemingly victorious and stronger for it. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. But those exceptions exist, as far as I am aware, in both camps. Perhaps any major difference exists underneath the surface…
DH
My Struggles, Pt. 1 February 25, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in About Me.add a comment
I’m going to get quite personal in this post; I have been debating in my mind how personal I should get with this blog, but at times like this blogging helps me to focus my thoughts and perhaps by my sharing others can be encouraged. Also, I don’t recall how much I’ve shared in previous posts and I can’t be bothered to check right now, so if any of what I share is ‘old news’, bear with me.
I’ve been going to counseling for about 1.25 years now, and the purpose is to work through the various issues I struggle with deep down. In many ways we all have issues we are working through. But some people, like myself, have issues that are quite deep and complex; they are usually the type that cause people to see counselors and/or go on medication. They are also usually caused by a person’s childhood – that is, one or more events, or the general way the person was raised, directly created this (these) issue(s). I like the way my current counselor put it – this (type of) person has cracks in the foundation that develops in our childhood.
For me, there is pretty much only one major issue, and it stems from how I was raised. My issue is lack of parental approval. A lot of people struggle with this to varying degrees, but it generally becomes a deep issue in someone’s life when the parents failed to instill an underlying positive message of self-worth. A healthy message would go along the lines of, “You’re approved and have worth in being, not in doing.” In other words, someone’s self-worth shouldn’t be reliant on what they achieve, but just in the act of being a human being. Getting back to a person’s parents and the message they convey, there are two points to keep in mind. One, the overall, long-term, message conveyed can be different from the message conveyed in specific instances. Two, messages (especially from authority figures) can be conveyed through non-verbal means. In fact, most of everyday communication is non-verbal. And further, if our verbal and non-verbal communication oppose each other, the receiver tends to latch upon the non-verbal communication.
With those two points in mind, it’s easy to see how in my case (and many others), my parents ended up conveying an underlying negative message of self-worth and approval. I say my parents ended up because chances are that it was unintentional on their part. Also, there were times where they expressed a positive message, both verbally and non-verbally. Unfortunately, the negative messages stuck more to my child psyche – perhaps because they were more frequent, or they were the non-verbal messages whereas the verbal ones were the positive messages.
At any rate, this issue has made itself a presence in my life since about 2001, when I went away to university. For the first 5-6 years, and especially for the 4 years I was in university, I didn’t have much conscious awareness of what the issue was. I more felt it was there subconsciously and was very reactive as a result. (Picture having a physical wound but at first not knowing where; all you feel at first is the pain of it, and your response is what I would term reactionary.) From about 2002 onward, I did see about 4 other counselors before I went to the one I’m seeing now. However, I only saw them for short periods – from about a few weeks to about 4 months. I was also misdiagnosed as OCD, and in about 2006, through the help of one of the 4 counselors, realized that I was clinically depressed. In hindsight, I’ve been clinically depressed since about 2001/2002, although perhaps not continually. It has only been in the past 1.25 years, with the current counselor, that I’ve had a lot of conscious awareness about this issue – what it is, why I’m struggling with it, etc.
I had started this post with the intent to write about what came out of my last counseling session, which has been on my mind a lot. From that point of view, all of the above is preamble and background text, which is necessary. However, it’s late and I have to wake up in about 4.5 hours, so I’m going to end this post. I’ll try and write about what I actually wanted to write on soon.
DH
Psalm 40 February 20, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in Scripture.Tags: Bible, God, patience
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1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
“The LORD be exalted!”
17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
Bible Gateway link: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2040&version=31
DH
Elitism (post from a friend) March 31, 2009
Posted by David Hiran Watson in Social Commentary.add a comment
A friend of mine – Steve Mah – posted the following note on his Facebook notes page:
Elitism
“I have always wondered whether there is some merit in presenting one’s perspective with some degree of equivocation, reducing its accessibility. The accessibility thus reduced, the argument would be impervious to objections from individuals not possessing the thoughtfulness or the capacity to deconstruct it–in a sense, it might be assumed that those who cannot overcome this barrier would not have constructive input in the first place.
I’ve always wondered: is there a benefit to being unclear? If you make an argument clearly, absolutely anyone can disagree with you. If you aren’t clear, only the people who can figure out what you’re saying (or people who recognize the argument, despite it not being clear) can disagree with you. Maybe those people are the only ones who would have useful criticism anyway?”
Without digressing into commenting on the main point in the note – I’ll leave that up to you to internally or externally debate – I would like to comment on Steve’s writing:
I really enjoy Steve’s usage of the English vocabulary. It’s not often that I come across any sort online article that’s intelligent in terms of the specific words chosen to convey the idea(s) purported. I have come across well-written articles, but to me a well-written article is separate from the vocabulary used. A well-written article is well-written due to the structure of flow of ideas, and includes vocabulary and grammar used, but is so much more than that. As such, I have read well-written articles with bad grammar and spelling issues. I have even read popular well-written articles with bad grammar and spelling issues! But Steve uses the rich, varied English vocabulary to convey his meaning, and does so without sounding condenscending or improperly using “big” words.
One of the beautiful benefits to English borrowing from other languages is that each word has specific connotations; it’s often hard to properly translate an English phrase into another language because of this connotational aspect to our words. However, it’s hard to find someone today who recognizes that, and uses it to their advantage. I find that even I don’t have as great a grasp of the varied English vocabulary as I would like to. Many times when thinking of how to convey a meaning, whether written or spoken, I try to use specific wording to convey my full intention. In other words, if I can say something in 5 words, why say it in 10? But this requires me to know the “big” words in English, and especially know their connotations and their context.
On an ending thought: I wish the Western school system focused more on teaching the varied English vocabulary, especially in today’s social networking and social media world.
DH